{"id":196,"date":"2011-09-02T08:05:51","date_gmt":"2011-09-02T08:05:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/benjaminmitchell.wordpress.com\/?p=196"},"modified":"2011-09-02T08:05:51","modified_gmt":"2011-09-02T08:05:51","slug":"mental-blocks-to-listening-in-difficult-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/mental-blocks-to-listening-in-difficult-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"Overcoming three mental blocks to listening in difficult conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you listen to most conversations you\u2019ll hear remarkably few questions. When a conversation becomes difficult then we drop all questions; we spend most of our time telling others how we see the world. Here are three mental blocks that stop us from listening and ways to overcome them.<\/p>\n

\"Garfield\"<\/p>\n

Block #1: \u201cIf I listen and understand you, you\u2019ll assume that I agree with you\u201d<\/h3>\n

Difficult conversations often come down to a sense of us trying to win, or at least not lose against the other person. A common fear is that if we spend time listening and understanding the other\u2019s point of view and not defending our view, then they may think we agree with them.<\/p>\n

A similar fear is that if we spend our mental energy focussed on their view we may forget our own view or forget our \u201ckiller points\u201d.<\/p>\n

A useful reframe is to realise that listening and understanding another\u2019s view doesn\u2019t mean that you have to agree. If you\u2019re worried about forgetting your points, then say something like:<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to spend some time listening to how you\u2019re seeing this situation so that I can better understand your point. Even after doing this I may still see things from my point of view, but I want to start by understanding yours\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Block #2: \u201cIt\u2019ll be quicker if I just tell you what\u2019s so obviously true (to me)\u201d<\/h3>\n

When we\u2019re convinced of our own view, or feeling under time pressure, it can seem easier just to tell others our view of the situation, because we think that it will take less time. Just telling others how we see things it actually increases the chances of the conversation taking longer.<\/strong><\/p>\n

When our focus is on telling it\u2019s more likely we\u2019ll start to cut other people off or use strong language to push our points.\u00a0 This increases the chances that the other people will feel pressured, misunderstood or insulted. Others will often respond defensively, either by expressing their point of view back at us, or by going quiet and pretending to agree. These defensive actions mean that conversations take longer as sources or disagreement are not uncovered or discussed.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t demand that someone else listens and understands you. Our ability to stay in conversations with others depends on them perceiving that we are willing to meet their needs. Listening and understanding others means that they\u2019re more likely to listen to us.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Block #3: \u201cIt\u2019s critical that we overcome this major disagreement\u201d<\/h3>\n

When we feel threatened in a difficult conversation we amplify small differences in views or approach into big problems. We often miss that the \u201cmajor disagreement\u201d is actually a minor disagreement.<\/p>\n

Being able to step back and get curious about how another person sees the world means that we get a chance to more accurately understand the situation and avoid \u2018making a mountain out of a mole hill\u2019.<\/p>\n

My earlier post \u201cGood question: how one good question can unblock a stuck conversation\u201d<\/a> shows an example.<\/p>\n

Summary<\/h3>\n

Learning to ask questions about other\u2019s views and listen is important in having more effective conversations. Hopefully understanding and challenging the mental blocks that stop us from listening in difficult conversations will help you stay in a more productive\u00a0frame of mind when practising these skills.<\/p>\n

Can you relate to these mental blocks? I\u2019d love to hear your thoughts or experiences in the comments.<\/p>\n

\"BenjaminHi, I\u2019m Benjamin<\/a>. I hope that you enjoyed the post. I\u2019m a consultant and coach who helps IT teams and their managers consistently deliver the right software solutions. You can find out more about me<\/a> and my services<\/a>. Contact me<\/a> for a conversation about your situation.<\/p>\n

Image Credit: Image Credit: Pasma, on Flickr<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you listen to most conversations you\u2019ll hear remarkably few questions. When a conversation becomes difficult then we drop all questions; we spend most of our time telling others how we see the world. Here are three mental blocks that stop us from listening and ways to overcome them. Block #1: \u201cIf I listen and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=196"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=196"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=196"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/techpeoplethrivi-i2tkeoduos.live-website.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=196"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}